Suicides? What happens to people who commit suicide?

It is incredibly sad when one loses a loved one, but that pain is doubly compounded when this loss is through suicide. Suicide, being the act of taking one’s own life.

Firstly I want to say how very sorry I am for the loss of your loved one, be that a family member, or a friend. It is so very devastating to lose a loved one at any time, but to lose them through suicide leaves so many unanswered questions.

I am going to share with you, what I personally know from working with both the surviving loved ones, and with the people themselves who have committed suicide – who have come to me – asking me to help their loved ones find some closure and perhaps have some questions answered.

Until I did a weekend of consultations about 7 or so years ago, in Tokoroa, I was absolutely unaware of the scope of precisely how many (in this case mostly young men), were taking their own lives. Before I went to do this weekend of consultations, spirit came to me and told me that I would be dealing with people who had committed suicide that weekend. But, honestly I was unprepared for the sheer number of those whom had been touched directly or indirectly by suicide.

I had 30 consultations that weekend, and over 3/4 of them had lost a loved one in this manner – OR a person who had committed suicide came through in the consultation – because the person who was having the consultation was friends with their mum or family – and he desperately wanted to let them know he was ok. This touched me to my core and since then a large percentage of my work has been in this particular area.

Until that weekend, I would get perhaps 4 or 5 a year, in all the years I had been doing consultations. Perhaps I personally had to be at a level of maturity and understanding where I could deal with the emotions from both spirit and the grieving loved ones. Even today, it still at times really rocks me emotionally and I feel intense compassion for both sides.

I have worked with many, many souls who have passed over via their own hands. Every single one of them – without exception, say that they are met with nothing but unconditional love, and acceptance by those who are working with them to help heal and support them as they work through the pain that caused them to take their own lives to begin with. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. I have dealt with – and over the years there have been hundreds of them.

So please be at peace in this, knowing that your loved one is not alone.That your loved one is in fact surrounded by people who are loving him (to save typing I am just going to use the male pronoun unconditionally, even though your loved one may be female), helping him to recover from the grief and pain that caused him to pass in this manner.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain, and it is very, very raw at the moment. Here is something that may bring you some comfort. Please do not focus on his manner of passing. It was simply his time to pass into spirit. If it were not so, he would not have been successful in his attempt to take his life – and I say this both from the perspective of an ex-nurse of close to 40 years, and as a medium.

I remember nursing a person who seriously tried to take their life on at least 6 different occasions. These were genuine and serious efforts. Each attempt by all the laws known to man, should have been successful, none of them were. Because it was simply not that persons time to pass over. So try and not focus on the how, simply understand that it was time is all.

It rocks whanau (family), loved ones, and friends when someone you know and love takes their own lives. The worst thing some have said are the unanswered questions and the guilt that the people left behind may feel… What did I miss? Could something I said have made a difference? Was it something I said? So many questions you may never have an answer to in this life.

Here is what I know, what all (without exception) spirit who have passed in this manner have told me and what spirit I work with have told me happens.People who commit suicide do so because they are in intractable pain. Whether this pain is caused by physical, emotional, or mental causes – it doesn’t matter. All they can see, all they can feel is this overwhelming pain. They can see no other options to stop the pain. They hurt and simply want the hurting to stop. They do not fully realize the effect their actions will have on their surviving loved ones, except perhaps only vaguely.

So a person who commits suicide can see no other escape. Often times family members and loved ones will be racked with guilt over this, and beat themselves up emotionally. Why didn’t I see this coming? What could I have done to prevent this? Why didn’t I see the cues he was putting out? What did I miss that could have made a difference? Would anything I have done made a difference? Was it something I said? Was it something I did or didn’t do? Why couldn’t they come to me?

I have heard all of these questions and so many more. Is my loved one ok? Are they in hell? Are they alone? Is someone there with them? Are they lost? Are they still hurting?

When person commits suicide, they are immediately met on the other side by loved ones whom they recognize. They are never ever are by themselves not for a second. There is always someone there to help them. These hurting and traumatized souls are taken to a place where they receive both counseling and healing, to help them come to terms with both the pain they suffered there and the pain they caused to the loved ones left behind. This is all done with unconditional love and acceptance of the soul involved.

As a part of the healing process, these souls are shown, in a non-judgemental and truly loving way, the effect that their actions have had on those they left behind. Nothing is hidden from them. This is an important part of their healing process. It is done totally without judgement to the person involved, but with supportive and unconditional love.

Always the souls who come to me ask me to please, please tell Mum, Dad etc to please release the guilt they hold over their manner of passing. That the guilt is not theirs to carry. That they alone are responsible for their choice and that they had no idea of the depth of pain and guilt their actions would cause the surviving loved ones.

Above all, they want the surviving loved ones to know this, and to know that they no longer are in pain. That they no longer are bound by the human constraints, and that they are so very sorry for the pain and suffering they caused those left behind.

So if this has happened to you or someone you know, understand that the souls who pass in this manner will be ok. That you will be ok. I am so very, very sorry for your loss and any pain that you may currently be experiencing. Grief is a process that takes some time to work through, but perhaps having this little bit of understanding will help you to process that pain and give you some piece of mind about your loved one. ————————————————————————————————————-

IF there are any NZ members in this group who may be feeling down or needing emotional support here are some numbers of NZ groups that are wonderful.

Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Healthline – 0800 611 116 Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions) – includes The Journal online help service – online e-therapy tool provided by the University of Auckland that helps young people learn skills to deal with feeling down, depressed or stressed Sexuality or gender identity helpline

OUTLine NZ – 0800 688 5463 (OUTLINE) provides confidential telephone support Helplines for children and young people

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email or online chat – or email or free text 5626 What’s Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm. Online chat is available from 5pm–11pm 7 days a week, including all public holidays.

Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline) for young people up to 18 years of age. Open 24/7. Help for parents, family and friends

EDANZ – improving outcomes for people with eating disorders and their families. Freephone 0800 2 EDANZ or 0800 233 269, or in Auckland 09 522 2679. Or email

Parent Help – 0800 568 856 for parents/whānau seeking support, advice and practical strategies on all parenting concerns. Anonymous, non-judgemental and confidential.

Family Services 211 Helpline – 0800 211 211 for help finding (and direct transfer to) community based health and social support services in your area.

Skylight – 0800 299 100 for support through trauma, loss and grief; 9am–5pm weekdays. Supporting Families In Mental Illness – For families and whānau supporting a loved one who has a mental illness. Auckland 0800 732 825.

Other specialist helplines Alcohol and Drug Helpline – 0800 787 797 or online chat Are You OK – 0800 456 450 family violence helpline Gambling Helpline – 0800 654 655 Anxiety phone line – 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY) Seniorline – 0800 725 463 A free information service for older people 0508MUSICHELP – The Wellbeing Service is a 24/7 online, on the phone and in-person counselling service fully funded by the NZ Music Foundation and provided free of charge to those in the Kiwi music community who can’t access the help they need due to hardship and other circumstances. Call 0508 MUSICHELP. Shine – 0508 744 633 confidential domestic abuse helpline Quit Line – 0800 778 778 smoking cessation help Vagus Line – 0800 56 76 666 (Mon, Wed, Fri 12 noon – 2pm). Promote family harmony among Chinese, enhance parenting skills, decrease conflict among family members (couple, parent-child, in-laws) and stop family violence Women’s Refuge Crisisline – 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE) (for women living with violence, or in fear, in their relationship or family) Shakti Crisis Line – 0800 742 584 (for migrant or refugee women living with family violence Rape Crisis – 0800 883 300 (for support after rape or sexual assault) Warmlines for consumers of mental health services Free peer support services for people experiencing mental illness or those supporting them Canterbury and West Coast – 03 379 8415 / 0800 899 276 (1pm to midnight, seven nights) Wellington 0800 200 207 (7pm–1am, Tuesday to Sunday) Auckland Central 0508 927 654 or 0508 WARMLINE (8pm to midnight, seven nights)